The pool

Its crazy.  I feel crazy.
My sister used to tell me that I was not normal because I never dated, I just dove full strength into a relationship without getting to know the person first.
And shes right; I dive in and live completely wholheartedly every.single.time.  I only met my first fiance twice before having dinner with him, sex and then the next weekend we were spending the week dividing nights between his place and mine. My second actually had a few “dates” meeting at the bar and then leaving to talk quietly alone before I was meeting his parents and he was introducing me as his girlfriend.  My current? Yeah, we met at a party, went for a walk together the next day and then every day after, had dinner and a movie and then were living together within 2 weeks.
Thats why I feel crazy.
I haven’t even really touched you yet.  I mean, I have, just not as myself, as part of our pairs.  We have gone out on what could be termed as “dates”.  Drinks before a suposed to be sexy movie that we both mocked afterwards and an afternoon lunch.  You like me and my partner enough to put our hockey games on your schedule and have come to the games to support us for heavens sake!  This weekend I admitted that I really want to act on my attraction to you, that I like you in more than a friendly way, a huge step for me; and you admitted the same.  We have sent what can only be described as explicit mesages to each other and used the others memory of moans as fantasy fodder.  The thought of you, touching you, being touched by you, has kept me wet and clenching for the entire week.  I’ve never been so distracted, entirely distracted, in my life.
So why am I having such a hard time wrapping my head around just the idea of you? The idea that I SO don’t want to mess anything up by being too…SisuGirl-like while at the same time being myself.  But that’s it’s own issue because the “me” I know never has acted on its wont to really know a woman. I’ve never felt so compelled and attracted to someone before and, quite frankly, it scares the crap out of me but the last thing that I want to do is scare you off because I want to know you more so badly.
I’m shaking my head at being so worried about losing something that I can see we both want so badly and being scared to want it so much in the fears that the other might not want it the same way.
I wish I could look into your beautiful eyes and tell you that I do.
I do want you so much and that I am scared of losing you before I even can have you.
And then finally get to kiss you.
To be tender and sweet and not rushed or nervous.
To give you my everything in that moment of bliss because even if my worst fears come true, at least I got to give you that piece of me in that moment.

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