I don’t know that I ever intended, conciously, to arrive here. I mean, I love touch and being touched and from a young age experimented with touching myself and knew what felt good to me. But to be walking to a total strangers house not knowing anyone but two people and to know that its a, for lack of better terms, “sex party”? Yeah…that is something else entirely.
Lets get some history out of the way:
My first sexual experience was rape. I was 16, a freshman in college and I was jumped by 2 guys even before the school year started. A long story short, as a result I spent a lot of time thinking that I was…not worthless but “spoiled”. I was a good church-going girl and while I did know my body and what I liked, I had never had someone else touching me and, besides, good girls didnt do ‘that’. So I was spoiled. Sex was no longer something that I would share for the first time with my husband or even a boyfriend…it had happened, I was no longer a virgin so, in my head at that time, what was the point of not playing around? Not that I had a line of boys who were salivating after me; quite the contrary actually. I was fat, frizzy hair, bad skin and a decidedly ‘butch’ haircut and attitude. I didnt see myself as femenine or dateable and so I wasnt. A horrid catch 22 if ever there was one. Sure, I had lots of male friends but I was just one of the guys. I could drink them under the table, loved playing football and being outdoors rough-and-tumble and, once a sophomore, they respected me for being fair and looking out for them in the dorm as their friend and RA. Dating and sex? Nope, not something that my name would have been associated with.
And then my girlfriends started having sex. Yes, they were dating people and I felt like I was left out of the conversations about what “It” felt like, how they thought about themselves and their partners, those weird things the guys did and “wow, have you ever tried…”; not something that I could really be a part of. So I did it.
His name was Dean, he was a friend of a resident and he was so incredibly drunk that, in hind sight, I am totally impressed that he was able to even get it up, let alone cum. We had sex on my futon and it was over just as fast as it had begun; drunken kissing, an awkward fumbling of buttons and boxers, over bra fondeling, probing fingers to my not anywhere near wet self, a few short thrusts and then he was off. Needless to say I was less than thrilled. THIS what what I should have been waiting for? That was SEX?
That was a version.
Just like what I do now is a version.
A much, much more pleasurable version.
Thankfully I found better partners. There was my first regular who taught me that I could enjoy sex. My first fiance with whom I fucked like bunnies and I learned that yes, you can chafe there. There was the “when you are in town” guy who introduced me to anal and the reluctant dater who introduced me to the idea of commanded orgasms (he was never successful).
When I first met my, for lack of better phrasing, current partner (There is a whole ‘nother blog post about titles, I swear), we talked about how amazing and unexpected our relationship was and how anything other than friendship was “icing on the cake”. Turns out there is a whole heck of a lot of cake AND icing.
Early on we joked about adding someone, my co-worker and the girl who introduced us. At first it was teasing…You had better go and meet her, we dont want her walking in on us…or do we…? Then we talked about celebrity adding…He teased me that I would be dropped for a starlet and I argued that, No, I would be joining them. We tested the waters about “kink” but really didnt get too far in experimenting because I was more shy than anything and didnt want to spoil my good thing by asking for something…weird. I vaguely remember talking about buying toys but nothing specific. We continued this way for years. Very, Very Vanilla.
Did I ever think that I would envision myself swinging? Heck no. 1 man, 1 woman and sex was only supposed to be between the 2 of them. Girls, and eventually guys, who did more than have sex with their long-time partner was a slut and that was a bad thing. Wasn’t it?
But thats a part for another time